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sun HIS EMBRACE- a vision, by P.S.

During the course of my abortion recovery counseling (I was in a 10 step program, my second attempt at seeking healing after a lapse of over 20 years since my first abortion), I sensed that I was again, merely going through the motions/exercises of this healing program but not really benefiting. I was in deception with regard to God's true character/nature...and had been all of my life. But I did not know this. God was going to punish me for the remainder of my days on this earth, I just accepted that. I was a murderer; not able to be forgiven; with no redeeming value.

I came home from that day's counseling session, greatly fatigued to the core of my being and giving in to depression (I was in denial with regard to all of the aspects/fall out from my abortions, and even when alone had never given in to the reality of what I was feeling). But this day was different somehow. It was a bright and sunny afternoon but I put on my pajamas and crawled in to bed; something I had never done before; and I just wept, a very long time, with abandon. I was furious with myself; and I was far from Father God. He was merely the hovering hand of justice waiting to pass sentence on me and my miserable existence.


The combination of my self loathing and selfishness seemed to be suffocating me. How I despised myself, and thought I would never be in any other place in my mind. My usual remedy to this was to "buck up" and go to that place of denial in my mind and step out as the person I wanted everyone to see; and to cover my real self. I was too horrible to be experienced! But this day I was unable to do that, even. I was breaking somehow. And it frightened me. So I called out to God...through my tears, and closed my eyes at an attempt to rest my weary self...


I do not know if I slept, but I know that God blessed me with His beloved grace and mercy in a way that astounded me - through what I can only describe as a vision - perhaps a dream - or even waking thoughtfulness - I do not know - but here is what I experienced: I saw an extraordinarily large lap, a seated personage, covered in folds of lovely and soft off white cloth of some sort, there was no flesh visible, no features other than this huge robe clad lap, and I was placed upon that lap, and great arms covered in folds of that same material enfolded me there, on that lap, and held me there, but my sensation recall is not of the feeling of touch, but rather what came over me was the most incredible sense of well being, safekeeping and love...

I almost couldn't take it overwhelmed me...I cried and cried, but not from pain, as I had been doing earlier, but rather from a sense of "how can this all be for can You possibly love me..." yet with absolute certainty and with clarity I knew that God was loving me; that He always had, but that I was in the throes of the very first time of receiving that love, that mercy, that grace, that forgiveness...and gently, so very gently, did His Holy Spirit reveal to me that I had been in deception about God's character, thinking of Him only in terms of an authoritative judge (merciless, too) and that the only sentence that could be passed on me would be condemnation.

I was living under that condemnation, which was from Satan, the father of lies, and I was believing that God was a God of condemnation only...I had not experienced His love, I wouldn't allow myself to. I thought I was unworthy in His eyes...but then I remembered Jesus, and the truth of the matter...that He was sent to shed His blood for the blood that I had shed, that of my own children, and that my sin was covered, died for, risen for, and forgiven, once and for all. Paid in full; I did not have to keep on paying...and paying...and that vision I truly experienced the love of our Father God and I cannot recall that time without shedding tears of wonder and joy...and a heart full of praise and thanksgiving that the victory over my sin is a reality, one that I can live with. And that God's grace, unfathomable as it is to me, is sufficient for me, even unto death.